A Letter To The Love Of My Life

I hope this letter finds you well, and that you are happy, because you deserve all the happiness in the world. Can you believe it’s been six years since we met? Six years since the first time I looked into your eyes? Six years since we said goodbye for the first time. It hurts when you have to leave someone, the way I had to leave you. When despite how much you want to be with someone, despite how much you love them, you have to say goodbye. When I tapped on your shoulder all those years ago and asked you to join me and my friends for drinks, I never could have predicted the impact you would have on my life. I never could have predicted the emotions you would make me feel, or that happiness you would bring. I never could have predicted that saying goodbye to you would be the hardest thing I would have to do. And I never could have predicted that I would have had to do it more than once. It started as summer fling, something that neither of us would have put any serious thought into. But the more I knew about you, the more I wanted to know. As I spent more time with you, all I could think about was the time that I wouldn’t be able to in the future. The more you held me, the more I wanted to be held. And sooner or later, I fell in love with you. I fell so hard I didn’t even realise it. I didn’t realise the way your name brought a smile to my face, or how my days passed thinking about you. At the end of that first summer when I said goodbye to you and flew thousands of miles away, I learned what it meant to have your heart broken. I understood the feeling of being lost and empty, and losing something you never really got to have. For the next five summers after that, we had what people would call a “summer romance” but it was never that simple, how could it be? You’re not supposed to fall in love with your summer romance, but I did. I fell in love with you and I never stopped. Boyfriends came and went, but my thoughts still drifted to you. I even thought about moving countries to be with you, but I was young and naïve and scared; I still am.

I was always scared to tell you how I felt, because at times I didn’t see the point, I always knew that it was going to end with goodbye. I didn’t tell you how much I loved you until it was too late. I haven’t told you that I feel more myself with you than with anyone else. I never told you that I love the way I feel when I’m with you, I love the person that I am. I never told you how much happiness you bring me when we’re together, or about the sadness when we’re apart. I never told you that when I have your hand in mine I would do anything not to let go. I dream about taking you with me. I dream about having you to come home to at night. I dream about sleeping in your arms and waking up to your face. I dream about being able to turn our “summer romance” into something real. Because I know it’s something worth fighting for. I care about you so much that there’s almost nothing I wouldn’t do for you, short of up and moving my entire life to where you are, because we’re still young, and I’m too ambitious.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. I wish you could see the amazing man that you have become. I’ve been lucky enough to watch you grow over the past six years, and you should be proud of who you are. We’ve had our ups and downs, and we’ve had months where we haven’t spoken. But we haven’t had to. We don’t have to speak for me to know how much I love you. I know I love you by the way my heart aches for you. By the way the tears fall down my face when I think about the fact that I can’t be with you.

You’re the kind of man I want to end up with. The kind of man who is kind and caring, but strong and independent. The kind of man who I can always turn to when I need some help. The kind of man who will always love me, no matter what. The kind of man who won’t judge me for my flaws, but will help me overcome them. I hope you find someone who loves you. I hope she loves the way you brood. I hope she appreciates you, and cares for you, the way I know you will care about her. I hope she looks forward to seeing you after a long day. I hope she makes you want to be a better man. I hope you have a love so strong that you forget about all the negativity in the world. I hope that she is the woman of your dreams. I hope that you are happy. I hope that one day you find someone who can love you the way I do.

Take care of yourself.

Yours always,

M

Someone new

So here I am crying. Wondering where you are right now, wondering whether you’re with her. Missing you. Missing you the way I do every moment I live and breathe. Hoping that writing down how I feel might help. It hurts. It kills me. Words can’t describe the pain I feel. The ache I feel when I think about you. You and her. The girl that you used to replace me. The one you care about now, the way you used to care about me. The old you wouldn’t be able to go a week without talking to me. The old you used to call me before you went to bed, tell me all your good and bad news, turning to me for everything. But now you’ve found someone new to do all that with. You’ve found someone new to go to the library with, someone new to stay up late studying and then cuddle up with to watch a movie. You’ve found someone new to share all your thoughts with, the words that slip off your tongue as it nears 4am. You’ve found someone to share your bed with, to wrap your arms around and pull close. You wake up to her in the morning now, the way you used to wake up to me. You spend your weekends with her, you ask her about her day, you anticipate her next text message, the way you used to do mine. I always knew the day would come when I would stop being the main girl in your life, the day when you’d find someone new. I keep thinking back to November, the night we got in that little fight and you said something to upset me. But then you told me that I was number one in your life, and that you loved me, and that you cared how I felt always. Do you care now? Because it doesn’t feel like you do. Do you think about me? Because I think about you. Sometimes seconds, even minutes pass when you don’t enter my thoughts, but then you appear again, like this dark cloud, and with it you bring sadness. I fight the tears day after day, and I fight the thoughts of you. But they always win. I miss you. I miss you so much I can’t breathe. All I want is to be in your arms, and for you to never let me go. How did you let me go so easily? How did you move on? Why didn’t you love me the way I loved you? You’ve found someone new now. Someone who makes you feel all the things I once did. I saw the way your face lit up when you told me about her. I know you didn’t want to hurt me, I know you felt bad. I believed you when you said that you were sorry that things had to change. But it didn’t matter. Because I could see how happy you were, how happy she made you. You told me you really liked her. That you liked someone new. I don’t know her but I hate her. I hate this person that entered your life, and yet managed to turn my life upside down. We were doing fine until you met her. She ruined this, and she ruined us, and she doesn’t even know it. Because she didn’t really ruin us, she ruined me. This someone new. All I want to do is pick up the phone and tell you that I love you and that I miss you, to hear your voice. But then I remember, that you have someone new…

My list for you, M

This is my list for you. It’s a list of all the things you’ve ever done to hurt me. There have been so many times that I don’t even know if I can remember them all, but I need to write them down. I need to write them down in order to remember how much you hurt me. Every time I miss you, every time I want to talk to you, I need to remember this list, and I need to remember the suffering you caused me, and I need to stop; I need to stop missing you, and wanting you. I need to let you go.

The list:

1. When you lied to me about L for 3 months. You slept with her when we had just started and lied to me about it until I finally forced the truth out of you.

2. B – texting her and sending her pictures, and hooking up with her when we were basically together. Especially the night after you visited me in the library.

3. L – hooking up with her, lying about it, finally admitting to it, and never admitting that you actually slept with her and didn’t only make out with her.

4. Transferring. Leaving me, and not caring.

5. Refusing to fight for our relationship; not caring about me enough to do long distance

6. Sleeping with some 30 year old woman a couple nights before my birthday

7. Coming to visit me and then telling me that you no longer had feelings for me and REALLY liked another girl

8. Sleeping with me before you told me you didn’t have feelings for me

9. Texting another girl while talking to me

10. Talking to K when you knew how much it hurt me, and how much she hurt me, and saying that it was my fault for seeing the worst in everyone

11. For telling me that I never tried to enjoy anything in my life

12. For telling me I am not a good friend when all I have EVER done is been an amazing friend to you, and treated you better than anyone ever will.

13. For leaving me that night. For not caring about the fact that I was sobbing, and just storming out.

14. For talking to me about her and thinking that it was okay. For not thinking about the fact that it killed me to hear it. And for not telling me about her in the first place.

15. For not loving me the way I love you. For never caring about me as much as you should.

16. Leading me on. Telling me you loved me when you knew how I felt about you. And having me later realise you only meant as a friend.

17. For destroying me. For leaving me to pick up my own pieces. You hurt me so bad that I don’t know if I will ever recover.

18. The night you yelled at me “I REALLY like this girl okay?! ME AND YOU ARE DONE!” without thinking about how much it will hurt my feelings.

19. For breaking your promise and leaving on Saturday.

20. For walking away.

21. For making me feel like you were using me for sex by telling me that you didn’t have feelings for me anymore but that I was a “good friend” that you were attracted to

22. For making me fall in love with you…