I hope this letter finds you well, and that you are happy, because you deserve all the happiness in the world. Can you believe it’s been six years since we met? Six years since the first time I looked into your eyes? Six years since we said goodbye for the first time. It hurts when you have to leave someone, the way I had to leave you. When despite how much you want to be with someone, despite how much you love them, you have to say goodbye. When I tapped on your shoulder all those years ago and asked you to join me and my friends for drinks, I never could have predicted the impact you would have on my life. I never could have predicted the emotions you would make me feel, or that happiness you would bring. I never could have predicted that saying goodbye to you would be the hardest thing I would have to do. And I never could have predicted that I would have had to do it more than once. It started as summer fling, something that neither of us would have put any serious thought into. But the more I knew about you, the more I wanted to know. As I spent more time with you, all I could think about was the time that I wouldn’t be able to in the future. The more you held me, the more I wanted to be held. And sooner or later, I fell in love with you. I fell so hard I didn’t even realise it. I didn’t realise the way your name brought a smile to my face, or how my days passed thinking about you. At the end of that first summer when I said goodbye to you and flew thousands of miles away, I learned what it meant to have your heart broken. I understood the feeling of being lost and empty, and losing something you never really got to have. For the next five summers after that, we had what people would call a “summer romance” but it was never that simple, how could it be? You’re not supposed to fall in love with your summer romance, but I did. I fell in love with you and I never stopped. Boyfriends came and went, but my thoughts still drifted to you. I even thought about moving countries to be with you, but I was young and naïve and scared; I still am.
I was always scared to tell you how I felt, because at times I didn’t see the point, I always knew that it was going to end with goodbye. I didn’t tell you how much I loved you until it was too late. I haven’t told you that I feel more myself with you than with anyone else. I never told you that I love the way I feel when I’m with you, I love the person that I am. I never told you how much happiness you bring me when we’re together, or about the sadness when we’re apart. I never told you that when I have your hand in mine I would do anything not to let go. I dream about taking you with me. I dream about having you to come home to at night. I dream about sleeping in your arms and waking up to your face. I dream about being able to turn our “summer romance” into something real. Because I know it’s something worth fighting for. I care about you so much that there’s almost nothing I wouldn’t do for you, short of up and moving my entire life to where you are, because we’re still young, and I’m too ambitious.
I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. I wish you could see the amazing man that you have become. I’ve been lucky enough to watch you grow over the past six years, and you should be proud of who you are. We’ve had our ups and downs, and we’ve had months where we haven’t spoken. But we haven’t had to. We don’t have to speak for me to know how much I love you. I know I love you by the way my heart aches for you. By the way the tears fall down my face when I think about the fact that I can’t be with you.
You’re the kind of man I want to end up with. The kind of man who is kind and caring, but strong and independent. The kind of man who I can always turn to when I need some help. The kind of man who will always love me, no matter what. The kind of man who won’t judge me for my flaws, but will help me overcome them. I hope you find someone who loves you. I hope she loves the way you brood. I hope she appreciates you, and cares for you, the way I know you will care about her. I hope she looks forward to seeing you after a long day. I hope she makes you want to be a better man. I hope you have a love so strong that you forget about all the negativity in the world. I hope that she is the woman of your dreams. I hope that you are happy. I hope that one day you find someone who can love you the way I do.
Take care of yourself.
Yours always,
M
GirlWithTheBrokenSmile 