When You’re The One Who Cares The Most

When you’re the one who cares the most, you often feel lost. You feel confused, and you feel hurt. When you’re the one who cares the most, you can’t understand why the other person doesn’t care about you, or why they don’t show it, or how they don’t see that what they’re doing is hurting you. You keep giving. You give and you give until you have absolutely nothing left, and then you give some more. This is because they take. They take and they suck you dry. They know it’s killing you; they watch it break you, and they don’t care. You put them first; they put themselves first; and so they win, and you’re left empty, broken, with nothing left to give.

When you’re the one who cares the most, you cry yourself to sleep at night. You prioritise people who don’t think about you. You value everyone else’s feelings over your own. You care. You keep caring even when they give you reasons not to. You forgive. You keep forgiving. They take advantage of your forgiveness. They take advantage of your love. They take advantage of you, of your kindness. You see this but you don’t stop. You can’t stop. Not when you’re the one who cares the most.

When you’re the one who cares the most, you will die of heartbreak. You will die of disappointment. Loving others is what is going to kill you. They mean the world to you, but your tears mean nothing to them. You spend your life saving them, but when you tell them you’re dying, they watch you go. They don’t fight for you, and it breaks your heart.

When you’re the one who cares the most, you want to beg them to care about you, but you don’t. You want to ask why they don’t love you, but you can’t. You sit on your floor and cry so that the next time you see them you can smile. Your heart keeps breaking into smaller and smaller pieces. These pieces get lost throughout your life so that even when you want to repair your heart, you can’t. There are holes. Holes that they made when they tore through you.

When you’re the one who cares the most, you walk around wounded. Scars from your past mark your body. The pain you’ve experienced runs through your veins and paints your face. You smile and laugh because you know it’s what they want to see, and you want to make them happy. That’s all you want. But no one cares about your happiness. No one cares to know that you’re okay; no one cares about the tears; no one cares. He doesn’t care.

When you’re the one who cares the most, you do small things to make his day brighter and better. You get him presents and surprises when he’s down. You take care of him when he’s sick. You give him everything, and he takes it all, and he gives you nothing back. He’ll take all of you. He’ll destroy you. He’ll say it’s because he loves you. But it’s not love, because you don’t destroy the people you love.

When you’re the one who cares the most, you’ll disappear. You’ll fade. You’ll vanish. And maybe one day they’ll search for you, but you’ll have nothing left to give, and no love left in your heart.

Someone new

So here I am crying. Wondering where you are right now, wondering whether you’re with her. Missing you. Missing you the way I do every moment I live and breathe. Hoping that writing down how I feel might help. It hurts. It kills me. Words can’t describe the pain I feel. The ache I feel when I think about you. You and her. The girl that you used to replace me. The one you care about now, the way you used to care about me. The old you wouldn’t be able to go a week without talking to me. The old you used to call me before you went to bed, tell me all your good and bad news, turning to me for everything. But now you’ve found someone new to do all that with. You’ve found someone new to go to the library with, someone new to stay up late studying and then cuddle up with to watch a movie. You’ve found someone new to share all your thoughts with, the words that slip off your tongue as it nears 4am. You’ve found someone to share your bed with, to wrap your arms around and pull close. You wake up to her in the morning now, the way you used to wake up to me. You spend your weekends with her, you ask her about her day, you anticipate her next text message, the way you used to do mine. I always knew the day would come when I would stop being the main girl in your life, the day when you’d find someone new. I keep thinking back to November, the night we got in that little fight and you said something to upset me. But then you told me that I was number one in your life, and that you loved me, and that you cared how I felt always. Do you care now? Because it doesn’t feel like you do. Do you think about me? Because I think about you. Sometimes seconds, even minutes pass when you don’t enter my thoughts, but then you appear again, like this dark cloud, and with it you bring sadness. I fight the tears day after day, and I fight the thoughts of you. But they always win. I miss you. I miss you so much I can’t breathe. All I want is to be in your arms, and for you to never let me go. How did you let me go so easily? How did you move on? Why didn’t you love me the way I loved you? You’ve found someone new now. Someone who makes you feel all the things I once did. I saw the way your face lit up when you told me about her. I know you didn’t want to hurt me, I know you felt bad. I believed you when you said that you were sorry that things had to change. But it didn’t matter. Because I could see how happy you were, how happy she made you. You told me you really liked her. That you liked someone new. I don’t know her but I hate her. I hate this person that entered your life, and yet managed to turn my life upside down. We were doing fine until you met her. She ruined this, and she ruined us, and she doesn’t even know it. Because she didn’t really ruin us, she ruined me. This someone new. All I want to do is pick up the phone and tell you that I love you and that I miss you, to hear your voice. But then I remember, that you have someone new…